1. I'M PART SWEDISH

My parents insist this is not true, but how can they deny any data I find over the Internet, a medium known for its biting accuracy? (For those of you who want details, my great, great grandfather was Wojciech Lekowicz, a pipe cleaner from Krakow, Sweden.)

 
2. STREAMING REALLY IS THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE

As I type this, I am listening to music streaming over the Web. How exciting! It has me eagerly looking forward to other streaming technologies slated for the future. No, not the overzealous dreams of streaming organ transplants and streaming time travel, but such basics as streaming exercise, streaming pets, streaming free time, and streaming lunch.

 
3. THERE WERE MORE THAN FOUR FOREFATHERS

I just chalk this up to having never seen "forefathers" spelled out until last August.

 
4. WEATHER IS RELATIVE

While it may be snowing where you are, somewhere else it's sunny. If you were to average all this weather by location and over time, it would be partly cloudy and rather balmy. So, really, the weather's always nice wherever you are.

 
5. CHOCOLATE CHIPS COME IN DIFFERENT FLAVORS

Dark chocolate chips? Milk chocolate chips? Semi-sweet chocolate chips? White chocolate chips? I could not have properly appreciated these delights without knowing of their existence!

 
6. NO ONE CONTROLS THE HORIZONTAL. NO ONE CONTROLS THE VERTICAL.

That's right. Big surprise, huh? Guess even omnipotent beings lose their remotes.

 
7. TRAVEL KICKS ASS

Actually, I knew this before this year, but since I was lucky enough to travel to so many exciting places this year, I've come to the conclusion that I'd like travel to be an enriching part of my life from here on out. Some interesting-sounding places I'd like to go next year: Jordan, Kosovo, Chechnya, Rwanda, and Albuquerque.

 
8. POKEMON IS A MARKETING PLOY

This may sound ignorant, but if you calm down for just a moment and think things through, you'll come to the same realization I have. I mean, you can still collect the cards and toys if you want to, but at least now you'll do it as an enlightened—and, if you play your cards right, supremely rich—consumer.

 
9. NEVER TAKE SEPULVEDA SOUTH PAST GETTY

Time and again, I have attempted to take this road as some kind of shortcut during rush hour, but every time I have ended up on a road to nowhere. And do you know how expensive gas is in Nowhere?

 
10. LIFE IS MADE BETTER THROUGH THE ACCUMULATION OF ELECTRONIC COMPONENTS

This one is fairly self-explanatory, if obvious, but allow me to illustrate the truth of this rumination with one question: Live community theater presents Pippin, or The Matrix in 5.1 digital surround?

 
11. MICROSOFT ISN'T SO BAD, REALLY

Just kidding.

 
12. THE BEST ENTERTAINMENT (besides The Matrix in 5.1 digital surround) IS A PAIR OF DICE AND A BANANA

I can't tell you exactly why, thanks to the space such an explanation would require, but I'll give you the basics: Roll, count, spin, strip, peel, mash, smear, wash, rinse, repeat.

 
13. NO ONE IS ON CRACK

If I were to believe what everyone is telling me, just about everyone around is on crack. "He's on crack!" "She's on crack!" "What are you, on crack?" Well, I've taken a small, non-scientific poll, and, barring any fibbing by the participants, here are my results:

On crack: 0

Not on crack: 3

 
14. WE SHOULD STOP SENDING THINGS TO MARS RIGHT AWAY!

There's obviously someone living up there who doesn't want to be disturbed, and unless we wish to see shiny metallic cylinders raining from the heavens, streaming green mist and bearing humanity's doom, we must cease immediately! Instead, let's send exploratory probes to Alabama.

 
15. THE AROMA FOR JUICY FRUIT IS C₇H₁₂O₂